One pride away from clicking send.
It's been a long time since the last time we talk,
we're both busy with our own lives but I still sneak a stalk.
Peaking on how was your life after your last update,
I am wondering right now if you're having a great time with a new date.
Now, as I am writing these pack of words, I feel like I'm gonna explode,
there is a puzzle in my mind that I need to figure the code.
It makes me confused, it makes me feel unknown,
I need to look for these answers but I cannot do it alone.
I always thought of creating a new connection, although we're acquaintance after all,
however, I have no idea how to start and I don't have the courage even a single mole.
I'm scared to get ignored or get rejected, but I am one pride away from sending this to you,
but before I let go of this pride, I have one question to ask..
Have you ever thought of me even once?
*sigh* At least I tried, I knew that I will never be a great poet just like you. Anyway, hello from the other side, how have you been? I saw your profile, and I see you're doing great. I hope after reading the question, your answer will be the same. I am sorry to captured your eyes from reading this, I just want to get your attention because sometimes when I look at your profile, I can't find a way to know how was your life after the last time you told me your plans after high school.
I really don't know what is happening? why am I thinking this stuff? why am I doing this? and why am I some time think of what are you doing right now? It's been almost 3 years since the day you left and I believe it's been two years since the last time we talked about us.
Why did I mentioned us? the honest answer I can give is... I don't know.
Like what I mentioned, it's been three years and we've grown apart, you're there having a great time in your chosen path and here I am, chasing my dream, the same plans I told you before. You accepted a lot of change and planned your life so well, and I have indeed the same. (not really though)
I felt overjoyed when I clearly saw your happiness with someone else. Your smile in every photo you had with her, and I saw an image of a real couple, just like what you want. I saw real happiness from your eyes and I honestly felt very happy for you. After all, I also feel sad when I read your struggles and loneliness, when you expressed how much you love this girl, how much she changed your life when you met her and how long the heartache stayed after she left.
Why am I having this kind of struggle?
I am still dreaming of you every night, I really don't know why you pop in there so often, that even dreammoods.com can't explain clearly why. Maybe because although it's been forever since the last time we talked, that two years that we had, you created a huge impact in my life. I've tried to create connection with new people, but I don't know why I never thought of anyone to replace you in your throne. I maybe tried dating some guys, pulled effort and carefully giving step by step, however, I am not satisfied if I knew they cannot do what you can. I'm sorry.
If you're thinking if I have moved on? YES, I got over you.
If you can still remember a long time ago, we're both young and infatuated & in love. I am satisfied with what we have even I know we lacked of one aspect in our relationship. That aspect that can be fulfilled soon, but you didn't bother to wait because you fall out of love. You told me you love me very much and we just need to figured out ourselves, alone. I did not accepted that reason and still..
After that day, we talked again, there is one thing you said that stroke me down... the feelings gone out of the blue. It made me feel so dumb and thinking that everything was a joke. After two years, in only one day, you woke up, told me that we need to break up and ta-dah!
That's what really hit me the most. You didn't let me decide, you didn't ask me if I can, it didn't turned out that it is "ours", you made me thought that, that two-year relationship is only yours, not ours. The decision was not unanimously, it was selfishly. You got devoted without thinking your teammate. that was sad.
Before, I thought we'll never fall apart because you are my one and you said I am yours, but I never thought it will end up opposite. I imagined us, being together physically, being together in one place, breathing the same air, and holding each other that no one can ever try to tear us apart. I never really thought of anyone to replace you in my heart but you... you had someone really changed your perspective. I am very happy for you, that you've already reached what you've always wanted.
Further, I thought, at the end of the day, although it didn't go so well, our life continued but in different pathways. You had your new one and I had myself. Hence, we're both happy.
However, I have howevers. Despite the fact that I am happy with my life, I don't know why are you keep on bothering me along the way? why are you still here? why are you there in my fantasies? why am I sometimes getting crazy and want to say 'hi'? why am I feeling my ego is letting me go? Why do you visit my mind so often? Hence, Why am I thinking of you? Why am I missing you so bad?
I thought of a lot of answers, it is maybe because no one has ever gotten to your throne yet, or maybe because it is normal for someone who believed once in forever and got disappointed or maybe because I need a closure.. a closure that will answer all my questions, a closure that will give myself a courage to open the door for a new one, and a closure that will slap my face with the thought that we had a rock, paper & scissors game and to accept that in the game.. I lose...
I lose two years, seven months, and one hundred forty one days ago.
However, I have howevers. Despite the fact that I am happy with my life, I don't know why are you keep on bothering me along the way? why are you still here? why are you there in my fantasies? why am I sometimes getting crazy and want to say 'hi'? why am I feeling my ego is letting me go? Why do you visit my mind so often? Hence, Why am I thinking of you? Why am I missing you so bad?
I thought of a lot of answers, it is maybe because no one has ever gotten to your throne yet, or maybe because it is normal for someone who believed once in forever and got disappointed or maybe because I need a closure.. a closure that will answer all my questions, a closure that will give myself a courage to open the door for a new one, and a closure that will slap my face with the thought that we had a rock, paper & scissors game and to accept that in the game.. I lose...
I lose two years, seven months, and one hundred forty one days ago.
I'm sorry you have read all of these words, if you think this contain anger, sadness & heartbreak. You're wrong. This is just pure words with a hanging pride.
Those words I mentioned above are true, I really don't know why I did this, and I cannot figure what does this feels means every time I visit the past, my fantasies. Maybe I wrote this because this is how I feel (the honesty that will lead me nowhere) you know me for being expressive and sorry for being explicit. This is maybe confusing but if you read this, it is a huge help. (because that's all I ever want you to do) you can just ignore this afterwards. There you go.
There... I've said it. Almost everything.
There... you can now think of whatever you want to think or hate or disgust or pity. whatever
There... I let go of my pride..
Thank you for reading. Have a great life ahead.
There... I've said it. Almost everything.
There... you can now think of whatever you want to think or hate or disgust or pity. whatever
There... I let go of my pride..
Thank you for reading. Have a great life ahead.
