One punch reality

One punch reality

   August 31, 2016       FJ

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Ore Monogatari (episode 22) - Yukikata-chan.

I sobbed after you said, you were smiling after you heard what I said.

"I'm glad.", I respond over the phone. 

"Very glad.", as my tears gushed on my cheeks.

You were right when you accused of me of feeling mad and disappointed.

However, I expressly pleaded not guilty. 

Without a doubt, I feel rejected and I do not like the feeling. Not at all.

I cannot point the blame to you because it was not your fault. 

It was no one's. It was the feels'.

Here, another reality punched straight to the chest.

Despite the negative expectations, there was a little light of hope that the feelings is reciprocal. 

That little thing hurts more. 

I've been too vulnerable and too expressive. 

Both directed me to fear which I should have followed.

"At least, you do not need to think of it every night", you comfort.

"You do not really understand", I thought.

I am broken but I am grateful. It hurts and I apologize.

I admit, I hate the way you made me feel but I love you for being you.

I am not bidding a farewell but I will leave the rest to you.


If the person you like does not dislike you, it does not mean he likes you, maybe he's just being kind.

I agree.

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Unsent feelings

Unsent feelings

   August 27, 2016       FJ

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He said, I should take risk.

I should express my feelings for someone before the time runs out and accept the consequences. 

If it is yay, then good and if it is nay, then move on. 

That is how easy he explained.

I told him, taking risk is a challenge. He agreed. 

"Don't let yourself suffer for a long time. Just tell them", he added.

He does not understand.

He does not know that every moment I spend with him is something I will always cherish. 

He does not know that the time we spend on talking every minute is something I will store. 

He does not know how happy I am listening to his stories.

He does not know I do not want this to end. 

And despite the negative consequences occur during the times I think of my feelings.
The answer is still... I do not want to take risk.

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Unsent honesty.

Unsent honesty.

   August 14, 2016       FJ

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He doesn't like taking photos neither doing some things that I like. However, if I insists and please, he still do it with a smile.

We agree on a lot of things except for the aforementioned. I like the way he talk, the way he describes things, and his curiosity, as well as his silence and his quirkiness. He's the ideal significant.

We have spent some time, thrice in approximate, it was short but for me, it was worth a memory. Today, this is a courage, after I publish this, none can unseen, people's curiosity will still be open, even if I delete this afterwards.

He may get upset or surprise if he saw this because he doesn't know, no one, except me. This little action of mine might conclude something I wouldn't want to happen. I don't know. But if it did, I'm still happy I spoil it.

If you're thinking if it means something, I hope. I don't have a lot of courage to tell him this but I became a fan of his being. However, there is always a limitation, it will not always get there. Believe me. I felt it.

Whatever happens, I'm happy I met him, get to know little things about him, and if I will be given a chance, I would like to know more, otherwise, it was a pleasure.

For a while, he became the Michael, if I am Lang. It was a dream.

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Cliche Pioneer

Cliche Pioneer

   August 14, 2016       FJ

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A hot coffee on your front, a frappe on mine, and it was because of your invitation.
We were seating opposed to each other in a table for two.
The ambiance was well blend with the smell of bitterness and sounds of calmness
We threw each other with questions, we both agreed on things, I never looked at my watch.
The clock says it was been an hour but I felt like it was only ten minutes.
After a while, I was surprised with myself when I sighed with relief.
I felt inspired after that day, and expected for another time with you.
And, we did.

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Quasi-crisis

Quasi-crisis

   July 12, 2016       FJ

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Breaking down in the middle of the night after drowning with my own deep thoughts is one of the hobbies I do almost everyday. It's terrible.

Sometimes, when the heaven answered free cut classes, I like the feeling of excitement to get home early, then, when I'm alone in the apartment, I loudly talk to the mirror. I tell stories of what were dumbest things I've done and share the worst things that some guys did to me. There are times that I cry alone, looking at myself, thinking if I really did a good decision, often I regret. Most of the time, I asked "Why is this happening to me?!" or "I don't like this anymore. I'm tired. Can I sleep without waking up?", thankfully, the latter question is still a question and unfortunately, I still ask myself with such.

However, despite these bad things, the opposite still exists. Do not worry because there are still things that maintain my happiness, and it will be... sleep, yes, especially when it feels like forever. It helps me forget the outside world for a while and I like being in the world of my dreams where anything is possible, like having strawberry ice cream date with my crush. It's fun.

Recently, I had a major break down, it was a mix of quarrels, academic failure and an add-on of work issues, a really rough week. We will never avoid these quarrels, especially with the closest pople in our lives, however, this one is different, those words that hit me so hard, words that described my whole being in a negative way. Those words were from one of the most important persons in my life, it was unexpected . Some may think it is shallow and unimportant but for me, it's not just an ordinary academic failure, but it was a thing that knocked down my head to overthinking and giving up, hence, I disappoint everyone.

That day, I was not in my lucid interval. Everything sank into me, all the emotional stress, the sadness, the anger, it all brought up to my head which rendered to physically hurt myself by punching my desk and hitting my head on the wall. It was ridiculous and stressful. I want to talk to someone, I want someone to listen, I want someone to understand but I changed my options because I thought that no one will listen, no one will care and no one will appreciate my sadness, and also, I do not want to bother you to carry my burden too. However, it did not stop me the next day to approached a friend, who answered her phone after the first ring, I thank her for patiently listening to me, I cried to her for hours, begging for a rest.

After this breakdown, I realized that I am a major disappointment to the people who believed in my skills and strength. I flunked one discipline and in my life, I almost throw my soul in hell. Nevertheless, I let myself drowned in the salty liquid gushing from my eyes, I really can't control my own but not until I forgot to breathe. After I cried a river, I lie down and close my eyes, too tired to talk but I spoke through my mind, I asked for the guidance from above.

Thereafter, I've had enough, I thought. So, I took a rest and smile again the next day. 

Breakdowns, exhaustion, deprivation of sleep, and weeping heart, despite these, I can still crack the joke of the year. 

Hence, if I send a joke, appreciate.

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Art of letting go

Art of letting go

   May 24, 2016       FJ

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Everything began all clear with no marks from the past, we started the story in a blank paper.

It started with the first word you wrote in the box. A greeting as a pioneer of our messy story.

Do you still remember how we created the giant pot of gold? I hope you are.

We started with black, plain and simple like how our friendship grows, it is well and normal. You did not mind what my life would be in five years and neither am I with what were your plans that day, because all we know is that we are plainly enjoying the conversation like everyone else.

Our friendship is growing so well, both of us are glad on creating good memories and laughing at each other's joke, it circulates very well like the red blood gushing through our veins, we know we are doing normal but not until the circulation continues to enter our hearts.

And the circulation continues, it flows from a simple joy to happiness. I can still remember your face, it was like a child who is excited for a glass of orange juice on a summertime under the sun. A burning desire for a glass of ice with fresh squeeze of enthusiasm. It was a non-stop chat even after the sun goes down. Your smile, your laugh, your stories, and the feeling of the synesthesia in every sweetest words you say, like how Mia was very happy seeing Mango's orange purr.

I became the happiest person in the world when I look up in the sky, my eyes were flashed by the yellow sun, it is all bright, like the splash of our plans in the future. The happiness is too overwhelming, we cannot hide our smiling faces when talking, the excitement to see each other, and the guilt that we are too far away from each other, as how we look at the sun that is too bright to see but too far to reach. However, I was still delightful to saw you looking on the bright side, and yes, you made me believed that we are maybe standing on a different ground but we are still looking at the same sun, and there is no impossibility for us to be together.

I never lose hope, looking at the sun made me feel more alive, it did made me strong day by day like how the sunlight making the plants look so green and strong. It is the photosynthesis helped me stand still to continuously fight, and that is likewise I noticed the same to you, without a doubt, you are really strong as a soldier.

Not until we faced huge wave of zombies, which ate all that green, strong and alive hearts of ours. It turned out surreal, it is all blue and unpredictable. I became exhausted but I tried to fight, I made myself believe that it was just a nightmare, that zombies were not real. I tried everything to survive, it is difficult because I want to return to the day when I saw your brightest smile. I want to wake up.

Then, the apocalypse came, the attacked was not just fantasy but it is a part of the reality. I saw your eyes changing into fading indigo. The sincerity was gone, the devotion to our future was not anymore in your heart, and everything started to feel dull. I didn't know what to do. I don't even know why that day happened. I do not even know why am I losing the paint of hope in my hand. I tried my best, I tried to give you a masterpiece, but you gave up and left without any clear away.

It was all clear and flowing, my heart went tired, my eyes went sweaty all day, and I tried to breathe without any air to inhale. I turned violet and expired. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

Afterwards, the colors were gone, they cannot be distinct from another, it was all mixed up and turned gray. The feelings were unknown, no happiness neither loneliness, it was neutral. I realized, you left me alone, You are gone. It's all done. 

But, it is not yet the end, I need a remedy to wrap up the art attack and I found the solution by fixing myself. Cleaning all the mess, the medium used, the feelings, the mind, the heart, get a new blank paper and start all over again.

Hence, acceptance and letting go. :)

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One pride away from clicking send.

One pride away from clicking send.

   February 09, 2016       FJ

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It's been a long time since the last time we talk,

we're both busy with our own lives but I still sneak a stalk.

Peaking on how was your life after your last update,

I am wondering right now if you're having a great time with a new date.

Now, as I am writing these pack of words, I feel like I'm gonna explode,

there is a puzzle in my mind that I need to figure the code.

It makes me confused, it makes me feel unknown,

I need to look for these answers but I cannot do it alone.

I always thought of creating a new connection, although we're acquaintance after all,

however, I have no idea how to start and I don't have the courage even a single mole.

I'm scared to get ignored or get rejected, but I am one pride away from sending this to you,

but before I let go of this pride, I have one question to ask..

Have you ever thought of me even once?

*sigh* At least I tried, I knew that I will never be a great poet just like you. Anyway, hello from the other side, how have you been? I saw your profile, and I see you're doing great. I hope after reading the question, your answer will be the same. I am sorry to captured your eyes from reading this, I just want to get your attention because sometimes  when I look at your profile, I can't find a way to know how was your life after the last time you told me your plans after high school.

I really don't know what is happening? why am I thinking this stuff? why am I doing this? and why am I some time think of what are you doing right now? It's been almost 3 years since the day you left and I believe it's been two years since the last time we talked about us.

Why did I mentioned us? the honest answer I can give is... I don't know.

Like what I mentioned, it's been three years and we've grown apart, you're there having a great time in your chosen path and here I am, chasing my dream, the same plans I told you before. You accepted a lot of change and planned your life so well, and I have indeed the same. (not really though)

I felt overjoyed when I clearly saw your happiness with someone else. Your smile in every photo you had with her, and I saw an image of a real couple, just like what you  want. I saw real happiness from your eyes and I honestly felt very happy for you. After all, I also feel sad when I read your struggles and loneliness, when you expressed how much you love this girl, how much she changed your life when you met her and how long the heartache stayed after she left. 

Why am I having this kind of struggle? 

I am still dreaming of you every night, I really don't know why you pop in there so often, that even dreammoods.com can't explain clearly why. Maybe because although it's been forever since the last time we talked, that two years that we had, you created a huge impact in my life. I've tried to create connection with new people, but I don't know why I never thought of anyone to replace you in your throne. I maybe tried dating some guys, pulled effort and carefully giving step by step, however, I am not satisfied if I knew they cannot do what you can. I'm sorry.

If you're thinking if I have moved on? YES, I got over you.

If you can still remember a long time ago, we're both young and infatuated & in love. I am satisfied with what we have even I know we lacked of one aspect in our relationship. That aspect that can be fulfilled soon, but you didn't bother to wait because you fall out of love. You told me you love me very much and we just need to figured out ourselves, alone. I did not accepted that reason and still..

After that day, we talked again, there is one thing you said that stroke me down... the feelings gone out of the blue. It made me feel so dumb and thinking that everything was a joke. After two years, in only one day, you woke up, told me that we need to break up and ta-dah!

That's what really hit me the most. You didn't let me decide, you didn't ask me if I can, it didn't turned out that it is "ours", you made me thought that, that two-year relationship is only yours, not ours. The decision was not unanimously, it was selfishly. You got devoted without thinking your teammate. that was sad.

Before, I thought we'll never fall apart because you are my one and you said I am yours, but I never thought it will end up opposite. I imagined us, being together physically, being together in one place, breathing the same air, and holding each other that no one can ever try to tear us apart. I never really thought of anyone to replace you in my heart but you... you had someone really changed your perspective. I am very happy for you, that you've already reached what you've always wanted. 

Further, I thought, at the end of the day, although it didn't go so well, our life continued but in different pathways. You had your new one and I had myself. Hence, we're both happy.

However, I have howevers. Despite the fact that I am happy with my life, I don't know why are you keep on bothering me along the way? why are you still here? why are you there in my fantasies? why am I sometimes getting crazy and want to say 'hi'? why am I feeling my ego is letting me go? Why do you visit my mind so often? Hence, Why am I thinking of you? Why am I missing you so bad?

I thought of a lot of answers, it is maybe because no one has ever gotten to your throne yet, or maybe because it is normal for someone who believed once in forever and got disappointed or maybe because I need a closure.. a closure that will answer all my questions, a closure that will give myself a courage to open the door for a new one, and a closure that will slap my face with the thought that we had a rock, paper & scissors game and to accept that in the game.. I lose...

I lose two years, seven months, and one hundred forty one days ago.

I'm sorry you have read all of these words, if you think this contain anger, sadness & heartbreak. You're wrong. This is just pure words with a hanging pride.

Those words I mentioned above are true, I really don't know why I did this, and  I cannot figure what does this feels means every time I visit the past, my fantasies. Maybe I wrote this because this is how I feel (the honesty that will lead me nowhere) you know me for being expressive and sorry for being explicit. This is maybe confusing but if  you read this, it is a huge help. (because that's all I ever want you to do) you can just ignore this afterwards. There you go.


There... I've said it. Almost everything.
There...  you can now think of whatever you want to think or hate or disgust or pity. whatever
There... I let go of my pride..


Thank you for reading. Have a great life ahead.

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So this what a young adult in her 20s feels like.

So this what a young adult in her 20s feels like.

   January 06, 2016       FJ

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Before we stepped out of the university, we always thought of what will happen or what are we going to do with our lives, which is most likely unpredictable.

Before I end my life in college, I tried to figure what will happen to me after a year and created goals for the next five years. Since I decided to enter law school, which was my goal ever since I dreamed of being one of the warriors of Lady Justice.

Now, my life is in the middle of completing my goals and it is hanging at the corner, waiting for the next decision, whether if am I going to continue this path or change the direction. This is usual and unusual for such in general, however, this is unusual to me, and I am now confused on what and why am I thinking this way.

I've been in my work for eight months and in Jurassic Park for 6 months. After one semester, I still feel guilty of not giving my best, and not trying to avoid whatever may caused my distraction. On the other hand, I do not feel any good in the environment and I feel like I really need a new one to escape from that thoughts I encountered from the office. Nevertheless, it contradicts with the thought of needing to stay because that is for the best or else everything will be a mess.

In the midst of this anxiety and confusion, I want to wake up and escape from these thoughts. I want to ask for a dream catcher or even a time machine to go back to my life before I've decided for this path, or maybe let go of every single thing, take some rest and go back when I am ready although for sure, I'm gonna waste some time just to run away from these confusing perspectives.

Now, while I am trying to explain my anxieties, I just realized.

Is it what I encountered on my chosen path that confused me or is it only me that confused me?

I feel like it is not what I encountered, it is what I chose on my way, it is my decisions that confused me. It is me. I confused myself with the decisions that I cannot make myself.

Adulthood is not really all about having the capacity to act that was not yet an obligation or that was prohibited when I was still a kid or a teen. It is all about being independent and making my own decisions without confusions or knowing the consequences and learning to accept them even if they're negative. The patience of waiting for success to enter and the determination to reach the goals are also part of being an adult, especially in the beginning of your 20s, like me.

These words made me more realize that everything will not always be in favor of your wants. Life will always be unfair to everyone, but the disagreement of your wants and the fate are healthy. Why? Because that will make your life more reasonable, sensible and the will have the best results.

Still hoping to bring out these words in reality. When life gives you lemon, make lemonade!

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