Cliche Pioneer

Cliche Pioneer

   August 14, 2016       FJ

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A hot coffee on your front, a frappe on mine, and it was because of your invitation.
We were seating opposed to each other in a table for two.
The ambiance was well blend with the smell of bitterness and sounds of calmness
We threw each other with questions, we both agreed on things, I never looked at my watch.
The clock says it was been an hour but I felt like it was only ten minutes.
After a while, I was surprised with myself when I sighed with relief.
I felt inspired after that day, and expected for another time with you.
And, we did.

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Quasi-crisis

Quasi-crisis

   July 12, 2016       FJ

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Breaking down in the middle of the night after drowning with my own deep thoughts is one of the hobbies I do almost everyday. It's terrible.

Sometimes, when the heaven answered free cut classes, I like the feeling of excitement to get home early, then, when I'm alone in the apartment, I loudly talk to the mirror. I tell stories of what were dumbest things I've done and share the worst things that some guys did to me. There are times that I cry alone, looking at myself, thinking if I really did a good decision, often I regret. Most of the time, I asked "Why is this happening to me?!" or "I don't like this anymore. I'm tired. Can I sleep without waking up?", thankfully, the latter question is still a question and unfortunately, I still ask myself with such.

However, despite these bad things, the opposite still exists. Do not worry because there are still things that maintain my happiness, and it will be... sleep, yes, especially when it feels like forever. It helps me forget the outside world for a while and I like being in the world of my dreams where anything is possible, like having strawberry ice cream date with my crush. It's fun.

Recently, I had a major break down, it was a mix of quarrels, academic failure and an add-on of work issues, a really rough week. We will never avoid these quarrels, especially with the closest pople in our lives, however, this one is different, those words that hit me so hard, words that described my whole being in a negative way. Those words were from one of the most important persons in my life, it was unexpected . Some may think it is shallow and unimportant but for me, it's not just an ordinary academic failure, but it was a thing that knocked down my head to overthinking and giving up, hence, I disappoint everyone.

That day, I was not in my lucid interval. Everything sank into me, all the emotional stress, the sadness, the anger, it all brought up to my head which rendered to physically hurt myself by punching my desk and hitting my head on the wall. It was ridiculous and stressful. I want to talk to someone, I want someone to listen, I want someone to understand but I changed my options because I thought that no one will listen, no one will care and no one will appreciate my sadness, and also, I do not want to bother you to carry my burden too. However, it did not stop me the next day to approached a friend, who answered her phone after the first ring, I thank her for patiently listening to me, I cried to her for hours, begging for a rest.

After this breakdown, I realized that I am a major disappointment to the people who believed in my skills and strength. I flunked one discipline and in my life, I almost throw my soul in hell. Nevertheless, I let myself drowned in the salty liquid gushing from my eyes, I really can't control my own but not until I forgot to breathe. After I cried a river, I lie down and close my eyes, too tired to talk but I spoke through my mind, I asked for the guidance from above.

Thereafter, I've had enough, I thought. So, I took a rest and smile again the next day. 

Breakdowns, exhaustion, deprivation of sleep, and weeping heart, despite these, I can still crack the joke of the year. 

Hence, if I send a joke, appreciate.

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Art of letting go

Art of letting go

   May 24, 2016       FJ

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Everything began all clear with no marks from the past, we started the story in a blank paper.

It started with the first word you wrote in the box. A greeting as a pioneer of our messy story.

Do you still remember how we created the giant pot of gold? I hope you are.

We started with black, plain and simple like how our friendship grows, it is well and normal. You did not mind what my life would be in five years and neither am I with what were your plans that day, because all we know is that we are plainly enjoying the conversation like everyone else.

Our friendship is growing so well, both of us are glad on creating good memories and laughing at each other's joke, it circulates very well like the red blood gushing through our veins, we know we are doing normal but not until the circulation continues to enter our hearts.

And the circulation continues, it flows from a simple joy to happiness. I can still remember your face, it was like a child who is excited for a glass of orange juice on a summertime under the sun. A burning desire for a glass of ice with fresh squeeze of enthusiasm. It was a non-stop chat even after the sun goes down. Your smile, your laugh, your stories, and the feeling of the synesthesia in every sweetest words you say, like how Mia was very happy seeing Mango's orange purr.

I became the happiest person in the world when I look up in the sky, my eyes were flashed by the yellow sun, it is all bright, like the splash of our plans in the future. The happiness is too overwhelming, we cannot hide our smiling faces when talking, the excitement to see each other, and the guilt that we are too far away from each other, as how we look at the sun that is too bright to see but too far to reach. However, I was still delightful to saw you looking on the bright side, and yes, you made me believed that we are maybe standing on a different ground but we are still looking at the same sun, and there is no impossibility for us to be together.

I never lose hope, looking at the sun made me feel more alive, it did made me strong day by day like how the sunlight making the plants look so green and strong. It is the photosynthesis helped me stand still to continuously fight, and that is likewise I noticed the same to you, without a doubt, you are really strong as a soldier.

Not until we faced huge wave of zombies, which ate all that green, strong and alive hearts of ours. It turned out surreal, it is all blue and unpredictable. I became exhausted but I tried to fight, I made myself believe that it was just a nightmare, that zombies were not real. I tried everything to survive, it is difficult because I want to return to the day when I saw your brightest smile. I want to wake up.

Then, the apocalypse came, the attacked was not just fantasy but it is a part of the reality. I saw your eyes changing into fading indigo. The sincerity was gone, the devotion to our future was not anymore in your heart, and everything started to feel dull. I didn't know what to do. I don't even know why that day happened. I do not even know why am I losing the paint of hope in my hand. I tried my best, I tried to give you a masterpiece, but you gave up and left without any clear away.

It was all clear and flowing, my heart went tired, my eyes went sweaty all day, and I tried to breathe without any air to inhale. I turned violet and expired. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

Afterwards, the colors were gone, they cannot be distinct from another, it was all mixed up and turned gray. The feelings were unknown, no happiness neither loneliness, it was neutral. I realized, you left me alone, You are gone. It's all done. 

But, it is not yet the end, I need a remedy to wrap up the art attack and I found the solution by fixing myself. Cleaning all the mess, the medium used, the feelings, the mind, the heart, get a new blank paper and start all over again.

Hence, acceptance and letting go. :)

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One pride away from clicking send.

One pride away from clicking send.

   February 09, 2016       FJ

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It's been a long time since the last time we talk,

we're both busy with our own lives but I still sneak a stalk.

Peaking on how was your life after your last update,

I am wondering right now if you're having a great time with a new date.

Now, as I am writing these pack of words, I feel like I'm gonna explode,

there is a puzzle in my mind that I need to figure the code.

It makes me confused, it makes me feel unknown,

I need to look for these answers but I cannot do it alone.

I always thought of creating a new connection, although we're acquaintance after all,

however, I have no idea how to start and I don't have the courage even a single mole.

I'm scared to get ignored or get rejected, but I am one pride away from sending this to you,

but before I let go of this pride, I have one question to ask..

Have you ever thought of me even once?

*sigh* At least I tried, I knew that I will never be a great poet just like you. Anyway, hello from the other side, how have you been? I saw your profile, and I see you're doing great. I hope after reading the question, your answer will be the same. I am sorry to captured your eyes from reading this, I just want to get your attention because sometimes  when I look at your profile, I can't find a way to know how was your life after the last time you told me your plans after high school.

I really don't know what is happening? why am I thinking this stuff? why am I doing this? and why am I some time think of what are you doing right now? It's been almost 3 years since the day you left and I believe it's been two years since the last time we talked about us.

Why did I mentioned us? the honest answer I can give is... I don't know.

Like what I mentioned, it's been three years and we've grown apart, you're there having a great time in your chosen path and here I am, chasing my dream, the same plans I told you before. You accepted a lot of change and planned your life so well, and I have indeed the same. (not really though)

I felt overjoyed when I clearly saw your happiness with someone else. Your smile in every photo you had with her, and I saw an image of a real couple, just like what you  want. I saw real happiness from your eyes and I honestly felt very happy for you. After all, I also feel sad when I read your struggles and loneliness, when you expressed how much you love this girl, how much she changed your life when you met her and how long the heartache stayed after she left. 

Why am I having this kind of struggle? 

I am still dreaming of you every night, I really don't know why you pop in there so often, that even dreammoods.com can't explain clearly why. Maybe because although it's been forever since the last time we talked, that two years that we had, you created a huge impact in my life. I've tried to create connection with new people, but I don't know why I never thought of anyone to replace you in your throne. I maybe tried dating some guys, pulled effort and carefully giving step by step, however, I am not satisfied if I knew they cannot do what you can. I'm sorry.

If you're thinking if I have moved on? YES, I got over you.

If you can still remember a long time ago, we're both young and infatuated & in love. I am satisfied with what we have even I know we lacked of one aspect in our relationship. That aspect that can be fulfilled soon, but you didn't bother to wait because you fall out of love. You told me you love me very much and we just need to figured out ourselves, alone. I did not accepted that reason and still..

After that day, we talked again, there is one thing you said that stroke me down... the feelings gone out of the blue. It made me feel so dumb and thinking that everything was a joke. After two years, in only one day, you woke up, told me that we need to break up and ta-dah!

That's what really hit me the most. You didn't let me decide, you didn't ask me if I can, it didn't turned out that it is "ours", you made me thought that, that two-year relationship is only yours, not ours. The decision was not unanimously, it was selfishly. You got devoted without thinking your teammate. that was sad.

Before, I thought we'll never fall apart because you are my one and you said I am yours, but I never thought it will end up opposite. I imagined us, being together physically, being together in one place, breathing the same air, and holding each other that no one can ever try to tear us apart. I never really thought of anyone to replace you in my heart but you... you had someone really changed your perspective. I am very happy for you, that you've already reached what you've always wanted. 

Further, I thought, at the end of the day, although it didn't go so well, our life continued but in different pathways. You had your new one and I had myself. Hence, we're both happy.

However, I have howevers. Despite the fact that I am happy with my life, I don't know why are you keep on bothering me along the way? why are you still here? why are you there in my fantasies? why am I sometimes getting crazy and want to say 'hi'? why am I feeling my ego is letting me go? Why do you visit my mind so often? Hence, Why am I thinking of you? Why am I missing you so bad?

I thought of a lot of answers, it is maybe because no one has ever gotten to your throne yet, or maybe because it is normal for someone who believed once in forever and got disappointed or maybe because I need a closure.. a closure that will answer all my questions, a closure that will give myself a courage to open the door for a new one, and a closure that will slap my face with the thought that we had a rock, paper & scissors game and to accept that in the game.. I lose...

I lose two years, seven months, and one hundred forty one days ago.

I'm sorry you have read all of these words, if you think this contain anger, sadness & heartbreak. You're wrong. This is just pure words with a hanging pride.

Those words I mentioned above are true, I really don't know why I did this, and  I cannot figure what does this feels means every time I visit the past, my fantasies. Maybe I wrote this because this is how I feel (the honesty that will lead me nowhere) you know me for being expressive and sorry for being explicit. This is maybe confusing but if  you read this, it is a huge help. (because that's all I ever want you to do) you can just ignore this afterwards. There you go.


There... I've said it. Almost everything.
There...  you can now think of whatever you want to think or hate or disgust or pity. whatever
There... I let go of my pride..


Thank you for reading. Have a great life ahead.

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So this what a young adult in her 20s feels like.

So this what a young adult in her 20s feels like.

   January 06, 2016       FJ

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Before we stepped out of the university, we always thought of what will happen or what are we going to do with our lives, which is most likely unpredictable.

Before I end my life in college, I tried to figure what will happen to me after a year and created goals for the next five years. Since I decided to enter law school, which was my goal ever since I dreamed of being one of the warriors of Lady Justice.

Now, my life is in the middle of completing my goals and it is hanging at the corner, waiting for the next decision, whether if am I going to continue this path or change the direction. This is usual and unusual for such in general, however, this is unusual to me, and I am now confused on what and why am I thinking this way.

I've been in my work for eight months and in Jurassic Park for 6 months. After one semester, I still feel guilty of not giving my best, and not trying to avoid whatever may caused my distraction. On the other hand, I do not feel any good in the environment and I feel like I really need a new one to escape from that thoughts I encountered from the office. Nevertheless, it contradicts with the thought of needing to stay because that is for the best or else everything will be a mess.

In the midst of this anxiety and confusion, I want to wake up and escape from these thoughts. I want to ask for a dream catcher or even a time machine to go back to my life before I've decided for this path, or maybe let go of every single thing, take some rest and go back when I am ready although for sure, I'm gonna waste some time just to run away from these confusing perspectives.

Now, while I am trying to explain my anxieties, I just realized.

Is it what I encountered on my chosen path that confused me or is it only me that confused me?

I feel like it is not what I encountered, it is what I chose on my way, it is my decisions that confused me. It is me. I confused myself with the decisions that I cannot make myself.

Adulthood is not really all about having the capacity to act that was not yet an obligation or that was prohibited when I was still a kid or a teen. It is all about being independent and making my own decisions without confusions or knowing the consequences and learning to accept them even if they're negative. The patience of waiting for success to enter and the determination to reach the goals are also part of being an adult, especially in the beginning of your 20s, like me.

These words made me more realize that everything will not always be in favor of your wants. Life will always be unfair to everyone, but the disagreement of your wants and the fate are healthy. Why? Because that will make your life more reasonable, sensible and the will have the best results.

Still hoping to bring out these words in reality. When life gives you lemon, make lemonade!

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Almost there.

Almost there.

   December 14, 2015       FJ

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One week left. I can’t wait to wake up and sleep without thinking the academe. I can’t wait to get out of the office earlier and spending the whole night, without worrying and thinking how to study the next day. I can’t wait to bring back the lazy me, the one who excessively stays in bed and watch anime until the next day.

It feels like it was just yesterday, the day that I can’t wait to enter the Jurrasic Park, the day I can’t wait to meet new people, the day I can’t wait to read the provisions, the crave of reading mountain of annotations and jurisprudence, and the day I felt the nervousness and the fear of feeling the hell upon my feet. And now, here I am, hoping to leave soon, not that I want to quit but to take some recess, or to finish everything and forever get trapped to the field.

After all the almost five months of my first year tour in the park, I feel like giving up, but whatever the reason I can think of, I know that it is not enough as an exchange to the big dream I’ve always wanted to be. Leaving my comfort zone, is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and feeling the struggle every single day making it more the best-est, making my journey more adventurous. challenging, exciting and the happiest.

Despite of the bad to worse things I have encountered, nothing beats the memories it produced. Something to keep, something to cherish and something to be more thankful for. I feel blessed more than ever and it will never be possible without the One who gives me strength, to the new people I met during the journey and added good memories to my life (cheers for more) and to those who stayed from the first day and staying to complete the story line.




Hence, Thank you. :)

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Saved and recap

Saved and recap

   December 05, 2015       FJ

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I hate it when I found myself reading our conversation and wondering, “WHY THE HECK?!” It still hurts that after all what I’ve done & what you’ve said, we still end up nothing and you leave without an apology.

I am not demanding for an apology but all I want is a peace ending. I have a lot of questions to ask, a lot of arguments to contest & I have a bucket of hatred to make you feel more guilty. Aside from these, I only want to ask you one simple question, “but, why?”

Anyway, this is just a brief of the drama I felt after reading our old & sweet conversation. At the end of the day, I know you will not give a single f*ck.

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Hoping that this will be the last.

Hoping that this will be the last.

   November 27, 2015       FJ

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Recently, a friend of mine, told her story regarding a guy who she had mutual understanding with and she shared how she became happier after posting her last thoughts about the same and that made her satisfied as an addition to the “acceptance” stage and told me that she moved on with a smile.

“Masaya akong nagsimulang mag post tungkol sa kanya at masaya din ako hanggang sa huling post ko tungkol sa kanya” said-ish by my friend.

That came into my thoughts that, I also started sharing stuff about this “guy” however, it never came to the point of sharing my last thoughts. It concludes that maybe, just maybe, I am not yet over him or maybe I am, but I am not happy about it.

Being true to myself, I am still mad and guilty to what happened between me and this “guy”. I loved him for who he was, waited for him for months, and assumed a place in his heart. I can still feel the hatred gushing in my veins every time I see him happy with someone new, who I once wished that, that should be me. I am not going to be biased with myself but I know and I admit, I have my own mistakes and guilt towards to what I have done to made him walked out of my life.

Thankfully that hatred never pursue in accordance with my belief that be nicer to everyone and let the karma do the bitch actions. I know that this is bad to think but I still wish karma is still around with him and waiting for the right timing to attack the best bitch shot it can ever made. Hence, I apologize but I am still a human and think & do bitchy stuff.

For sure, he is happier that I am not anymore around him and satisfied to what he has right now, as well as to my own life although I will not deny the fact that sometimes, I still think of him and hoping those days will comeback although I doubt. Nevertheless, I am ready to express my formal farewell to him but I think today is not yet the right time.

All in all, I thank this “guy” for the past although you act 80% douche after the last call that we had, I apologize for everything, and hope to see you around. *smiles*

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Warrior of Lady Justice

Warrior of Lady Justice

   July 08, 2015       FJ

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Day 8: How do you envision your life being in 5 years?

After the fifth year from now, I AM A LAWYER.
It's always been my dream to be a bad ass warrior of Lady Justice. 

YES, I can envision my life in five years with changed personality & lifestyle because of the culture and environment adaptation and being the bad ass lawyer.

In my first year, I can clearly see my life drowning in the bucket of caffeine & anxiety.

In my second year, I can still imagine my life drowning in the bucket of caffeine & anxiety and the change is starting to occur. No more culture shocks and adaptation is in the process.

In my third year, Still drowned but a little immune. Maybe, in VERY SERIOUS MODE. #ReadingsBeforeFeelings

In my fourth year, Not giving a single fuck but I'm still nice. Having the best time of my life, "PARTY HARD, STUDY HARDER" habit. nah jk. I'll survive. nearly in the end.

And lastly, my fifth year, ALMOST there! months of reminiscing moment & reviews and ONE MONTH OF FACING THE BOSS. Yes, Bar Exam. and BOOM, I AM A BAD ASS LAWYER. lol

But so you know, It's not all about envision, dream & imagination. It's all about preparation, presence of mind, persistence & a dream from the heart.

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Smile cuz YOLO

Smile cuz YOLO

   July 02, 2015       FJ

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Day 2: If you could offer a new born child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Smile, the worst is yet to come. We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun.

Smiling is one of the best way to maintain the positive aura. In contrast, it is also the best mask to hide your deep emotions to maintain the positivity in the circle. Nevertheless, this facial expression is powerful that we can actually control other people's emotion by just stretching our lips with the bursting joy from our eyes.

Based from the mentioned statement from a song SMILE by MIKKY EKKO, smile the worst is yet to come - the time is too short not to release this simplest yet powerful emotion we have. You can make other's day by just giving them the look of joy & happiness. We'll be lucky if we ever see the sun - no one knows when will death arrive, no one can exactly predict that we will never wake up the next morning or no one can ever say, when will be our last 24 hours.

Be thankful & blessed that you can still smile & have the reason to do so. Releasing happy hormones & sharing positive vibes to everyone is optional but it can make a huge change to every single person you meet everyday, whether they're your acquaintance or a stranger or your friends or your family or even your special someone. Life is too short to sit in the corner & kill the positive soul. Twenty four hours is enough to make the world a happy place, one more time. 

SMILE because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

The aforementioned statement maybe TOO mainstream & definitely not a really good one but its revelation is more than just the maintream. WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE EACH, though maybe there are some will say a contrary statement to the mere fact that we all have second chance but just like what I mentioned, NO ONE CAN PREDICT nor SAY IF WE WILL WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY. It is better to assure yourself & live your life to the fullest every single day rather than making yourself believe that you actually have another chance but you aren't sure of it.

Therefore, enjoying every single minute in this world is necessary. Stay positive, laugh, release that humor & create good things like there is no tomorrow and...

smile because you can change the world. :)

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30th of the 5th.

30th of the 5th.

   May 30, 2015       FJ

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Page 150 of 365:

I can't believe that I am just one day away, am I  really ready? This is my first time and I hope I can survive. I'm a bit scared and excited at the same time. I am in awe that I am getting near to exercise my ALL-BY-MYSELF-SKILLS.

Before I started my college life, it's my dream to live in a city alone to fulfill my "I want to do it but I can't" stuff. By the way, the stuff that I mentioned are the things I want to do but I can't because my parents said NO. When I was in my Senior HS, I did my very best and push through my dream to study in any university outside the province, I did everything to take entrance examinations. Hence, one day during my lunch break, my parents asked a permission from the HS Principal office to excuse me for a while and I don't have any idea why. I was surprised and they said, they need my 2 x 2 photos and still, I don't have any idea what is going on. Until my mom broke the surprised and told me that I am going to take an entrance examination in a nearby university. I feel a bit betrayed because they didn't mentioned or talk about this with me before they got the application but I have no choice but to accept the fact that my parents doesn't want me to go far away. So instead of feeling more betrayed, I tried to appreciate my parents' effort, since they're the ones who's working on my papers which is quite embarrassing because I should be the one who's working on it.

For assurance that I will enter college, my mom took applications from other schools. (the universities that I want to enter so bad) So, I did take the examination from the university they choose, although it is against my will. I didn't took the exam seriously and I finished it earlier than expected. Before the results came, I am still hoping to take the examination from other universities but unfortunately I passed and my parents stopped me to take other.

On the first day of college, I felt so jealous of my former HS classmates & friends because they're all studying and living outside the province. Every time we hang out I heard a lot of good and not so good stories about their lives outside their homes. Through the years of listening to their experiences, I realized that I am lucky to stayed in the province for four years. Based from their stories, living outside home was FUN because you can do whatever and go wherever you want, freedom is all yours and going home late is NOT a NO. Nevertheless, the opposite of it is.. LONELY, why? well, as I can remember, there is this one time my friend told me that when the typhoon came, he can't get out of his dormitory because of the flood outside. And since he can't get out of his room, the worse news about his experience is that, he forgot to stock enough food to fulfill his stomach needs. I tried to imagine myself in his situation and I thought, maybe I'll just cry at the corner. (LOL) Another not so good story from the source, there are times that you need to thrift yourself to survive for a week (well there are some where their allowance was only enough for a week but they got some fun plans.. so...) and if you don't know how to cook like your mom, then you'll die young (jk) but seriously, you will missed the 3/4 of your four years without your mom's special dishes and you're the suki of fast foods near your home.

In conclusion to the past, through the four years, there are reasons why God's plan is better than mine. A lot of things happened in my years in the university and I will never regret all of those moments that once I dreamed to happened in other places. Since I realized all those things, my initial plan after graduation is to continue my study in the nearby university. 

And now, after the prologue, God revised my initial plan. Yes! This is it! One day left and I GUESS, I am ready to enter my FIRST DAY in my FIRST JOB and FIRST TIME to live outside the home. YES! my prayers were fulfilled and also, I am excited for my FIRST DAY in Law School although I am enormously nervous. 

This day, I am starting to pack my home (lol jk) what I mean is that I am preparing for my life outside my home and I need more motivation and inspiration to full my guts because to be honest, I am seriously scared and mentally not ready to be alone and being not in my room for three days (that's maximum). Well, at the same time, I can't wait to experience and to exercise my ALL-BY-MYSELF-SKILL  and also, curious & looking forward for what will happen min my life after a week, a month, a year, and after I graduate.

Maybe being INDEPENDENT will be one of the best decision I ever made. Disposing my physical, financial and mental dependency with my parents will be a struggle but it will be a great experience and I know, it'll be an amazing journey that I must walk into. One thing that I need to be thankful for, is how God's plan will challenge my patience and faith. There are maybe times that some part of His plans are difficult and depressing but at the end of the day, it'll make me STRONGER and it is the BEST-EST part for my life.

Our faith in Him from head to heart to toe is the reason why we're still standing in this up and down journey. He never let me down, I will never let Him go out of my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Thank You, Lord.

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I'm Sorry (Cage Match)

I'm Sorry (Cage Match)

   March 01, 2015       FJ

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This is one of my favorite songs from AJ's music web series entitled, MUSIC LAB. I am a fan from the very first episode until the last. For me, the #MusicLab Episode 2, brought TOO MUCH FEELS and the outcome of the song was very amazing, not just because of the content & meaning of the song but also because of the artists who created it. For some reason, this is not just a favorite song, but a story behind the scar from the past that will remain an ache, lesson & a blessing.

I'm Sorry (Cage Match) by AJ Rafael ft. Lana McKissack

So now, we're stuck here in this cage, 'cause we're fighting all the time

and I'm feeling so constrained but i know the blame is mine

I'm tired of fighting all these rounds, all you do is knock me down

and now I'm broken on the ground, helpless

But I know that there are thousands words, I wanna say to you

So I'm putting down my guard despite the things you put me through

But, I...

But, I'm sorry for there's no way out

and I'm sorry for all my faults

And there's one thing that i'd like you to know

I'm not sorry for the way i loved you so

We used to have the strength to find the good and every fine

and all we have are just these battle scars but no more left inside

Should we give this one more try

'cause all we had is just one night

'cause I.. 'cause I...

And I'm sorry for there's no way out

And I'm sorry for all my faults

And there's one thing that i'd like you to know

I'm not sorry for the way i loved you so

I'm so sorry for i have to let you go.

FULL SONG: #MusicLab - I'm Sorry (Cage Match) ft. Lana Mckissack

FULL EPISODE: #MusicLab Episode #2

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You're still too far from me.

You're still too far from me.

   April 13, 2014       FJ

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I am not excited to meet you, i am not even interested to look for you.

But i will be happy to have you in my life right now, i will even welcome you with a hug.



Maybe you’re busy with someone right now or maybe busy fulfilling your dreams or maybe busy looking for your other half. It may be me or it may be someone else before me, i dont care whoever you’re looking for or where you are right now, i am willing to wait for you. 


Just always remember that i will stay wherever i am right now, waiting, preparing & praying. Waiting for whenever you arrive, preparing to be the God’s best for you & praying that you’re the God’s best, that i am waiting for.



I am not excited to meet you, but i can’t wait to know who & what God has prepared for me :)

-A letter for my FUTURE BOYFRIEND

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Uhm..

Uhm..

   March 01, 2014       FJ

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He had someone. Someone he’ll never forget. Someone who became a part of his life. Someone who received all his effort. Someone who successfully changed him. Someone who made him believe to love fantasies. Someone who made him feel who really he is. And that.. Someone who made him cry.

I knew his story, I listened & tried to help him to get out of the pain. I watched him drowned with regret & tears. What I really don’t understand is that.. why is he spending his whole being to someone who doesn’t even feel the same way that he did?

I feel sorry for him.




but I hope he knew that.. I am here.

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Dapat!

Dapat!

   December 15, 2013       FJ

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Hindi ko naman sinasadya ang nangyari, nagkataon lang talagang sa kanya pa ko magkagusto.

Ok lang naman sana, kaso hindi pwede. Naintindihan ko ang sitwasyon, nararamdaman ko ang kinalalagyan at alam ko kung ano ang kailangang gawin.

Naging sarado ang utak ko sa mga posibilidad at hindi maganda ang kinalabasan, kaya dahil dun natutunan ko ng humarap sa mga posibilidad at tanggapin kung ano ang dapat. Maganda man o hindi.

Hindi naman ako nagkamali sa pagdesisyon dahil ang kahit sino ay sang-ayon. Masakit pero DAPAT.

Hindi ako umaasa, hindi ako naghihintay at lalong hindi ako humihiling na maging sa kanya. Kung ano ang hangin ng panahon para sa amin, yun lang ang maaring akuin.

May mga bagay akong naiayos sa utak ko na kung sakali man maging maayos ang lahat sa kanilang dalawa, dapat tanggapin. Kung sakaling kailangan ko na talagang lumayo dahil sa mga posibilidad na hindi magandang mangyayari, dapat lumayo. At kung kailangan ng iwanan ang nararamdaman para sa ikabubuti naming lahat, dapat iwanan.

Darating naman ang panahon na pagbibigyan kami kung para talaga sa amin, palagi ko ngang nababanggit, “Maybe soon is too long but the road will never run out of opportunities” at dadagdagan ko ng “..except when the traffic light goes red”

Masakit pero dapat tanggapin.

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Rewind.

Rewind.

   July 29, 2013       FJ

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Noon, nagpapalakpakan pa ang mga tenga mo sa tuwa sa bawat araw na nakikita mo siya kahit na hindi kayo pisikal na nagkikita..

Umaasang hindi lang "hanggang doon" ang relasyon niyo..

Naghihintay ng itinakdang araw na magkikita kayong may kasamang yapos ng bawat isa..

Pero dumating yung araw na.. sabi ng direktor na nasa taas.. "Hindi kayo meant to be.."

Kaya ang dating inaasahan mo, iniwan ka at nawala na parang bula dahil sa mababaw na rason.

Kaya ngayon, ang dati mong inaasahan.. napunta na sa iba.

Pero huwag kang malungkot, dapat ay matuwa ka.. dahil sabi ni Direk, bibigyan ka nya ng MAS OK na ka-love team. Maghintay ka lang. 

Para sa taong tinutukoy ko,

Salamat sa sa'yo at dumayo ka sa puso ko. Hindi man maganda ang nangyari sa pagdayo mo pero nawa'y maging masaya ka sa bago mong daungan. Patnubayan ka ng Panginoon :)

-Ako

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Tiyaga at tiwala.

Tiyaga at tiwala.

   July 29, 2013       FJ

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Madaming nagsasabing..

"SAYANG! Ang tagal niyo na.. Ang sweet nyo pa dati.. tapos mawawala na lang na parang bula.."

Nalungkot ako pero ngumiti ako at sinabing..

"Wala yan sa tagal at tamis. Pero nasa tiyaga at tiwala. Yung tipong alam mong kahit na nag aaway kayo at palaging malungkot ang nangyayari sa inyo.. Hindi sapat na dahilan yun, para iwanan ka at humanap ng iba.. pero yun yung may tiyaga kang maayos ang problema niyo kahit matagal man bago maayos at may tiwala kang magiging ok pa rin kayo sa likod ng bawat hirap.."

Oo, MASARAP MAGMAHAL pero sana matandaan natin, na hindi puro TAMIS ang mararamdaman natin. Dahil sa isang relasyon, lahat mararanasan lalo na ang PAGBABAGO. Kaya maging matiyaga at magkaroon ng tiwala sa sarili, sa kanya, sa relasyon at lalo na kay God.

Palaging pagigitnaan si LORD sa puso, buhay at relasyon ❤

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sa LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

sa LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

   July 29, 2013       FJ

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Sa LDR...

WALA SA DISTANSYA ANG LAHAT pero NASA TAO.

Mabuhay tayong lahat ng may ngiti.

#CAPSLOCKparaEMPHASIZE

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Fresssssh(;

Fresssssh(;

   July 05, 2013       FJ

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I'll consider this as my first day to step inside my HAPPY PANCAKE BOX.

Hindi ko aakalain na ito na.. sisimulan ko na ngang tunay ang paglalakbay sa loob ng panibagong chapter sa buhay ko. Ang buhay kung saan wala ang anghel na naging minsan ay kalahati ng buhay ko. Akala ko, hindi na ko makakaSurvive, medyo o.a pakinggan pero yun talaga yung feeling ko. Wala na ang mga bagay na nakasanayan kong gawin.. ang maghintay. Yun talaga ang pinakanakasanayan kong gawin araw araw, ang maghintay ng mensahe, tawag at tao. Walang araw siguro na hindi ko nakakalimutan gawin ang bagay na ito. Wala naman akong reklamo noon dahil masaya naman akong naghihintay kahit maikli talaga ang pasensya ko. Sa sobrang inaasam asam kong darating ng hinhintay ko ay nawala na lang na parang bula.


Sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwalang dito mahahantong ang lahat. Walang naman akong pagsisisi, dahil naging masaya naman ang mga taon na yun kahit papaano at nagampanan ko din naman ang papel ko ng maayos kahit alam kong naging sablay din ako.


Malungkot at masaya, yan ang nararamdaman ko araw araw. Hindi mo ko masisisi, masyado pang fresh ang mga sugat at may araw pa din na hindi maiiwasan ang isang timba ng luha. Malungkot akong hindi ko pa rin halos matanggap at hindi ko alam kung gaano at ano ba ang naging mismong kasalanan ko para mahantong sa triple kill sakit ang nangyari. Masaya naman akong masaya na anghel ko sa ibang lugar at mas nararamdaman niya yung tuwang hindi ko naibigay sa mga panahon noong kasama ko pa siya. Masaya din ako para sa sarili ko, dahil kailangan ko.


Walang araw na may hindi nagtatanong sa akin.. "Kamusta ka na?" Posibleng sa dalawang dahilan, baka "nag aalala nga" o "naghahanap ng tiyempo para magkwento ko". Hindi ko talaga maintindihan.


Sa totoo lang, hindi ko din naman sila masisisi, alam kong madami ang naghihintay at madami ang nag abang, kumbaga sa teleserye, sila yung viewers at palaging nag aabang sa susunod na kabanata. Pero anong magagawa ko, sabi ni Direk, hindi daw yun yung ending ng teleserye namin. Nabuwag yung love team. SAYANG NAMAN! Pero madami pa naman ang posibleng mangyari, maaring sawi pa ang bida.. malay mo naman, may dadating na bagong leading man o kaya naman, They're meant to be til' the end d buuh? hindi natin alam, dahil si Direk ang nakakaalam. Excited na ko sa ending ♥


Pero sabi nga ni God, May dahilan siya kaya niya ito ginagawa sa amin, at alam kong maganda ang mga dahilan niya. At paunti unti ko ng nasisilayan :">

Salamat sa kanya, sa'yo, sa kanila at kay GOD ♥

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BINIGWASAN ANG UTAK.

BINIGWASAN ANG UTAK.

   July 03, 2013       FJ

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YES, FEELINGS KEEP ON COMING BACK. Kahit ano na siguro ginawa ko.. WAG LANG MAALALA. Pero the more i force myself, the more na pabalik balik.

Idagdag mo pa yung mga taong paulit ulit nagtatanong ng kung ano ang nangyari at sino yung ganito?

SA TOTOO LANG, BAKIT KAILANGAN KO PA MALAMAN KUNG SINO YUNG TAONG IPINALIT NYA SA AKIN? at BAKIT DI SIYA ANG TANUNGIN NYO? 

Nakakasawa. paulit ulit bumabalik sa utak ko. Oo, MASAKIT pa rin at GALIT ako sa ginawa nya. Pero hinahayaan ko na lang mawala.. dahil mahal ko siya at maligaya ako para sa kanya.. SAPAT na yun.

Pero, ang hiling ko lang.. sana maging sincere sya, dahil NI-KAMUSTA? Wala akong natatanggap.. pagkatapos nya ko paramdaman na WALANGHIYAIN at DINUMP NA PARANG BASURA. 

Fck! Respeto naman. BABAE AKONG NAGMAMAHAL SAYO NG LUBOS hindi KALARO NA PWEDE MO NA LANG GANYANIN. :(

SANA KUNG SERYOSO SA KANYA YUNG 2taon na yun. BIBIGYAN NYA KO NG MATINDING DAHILAN PARA BITAWAN. Hindi basta kasi ganito, kaya iiwanan na kita at hindi na kita papansinin dahil WALA NA TAYO.

Tapos after a week, MAY BAGO NA? fck the hella sheez. Ok lang skin yung palitan mo na ko.. Pero sana pinatagal mo man lang. PINATAY MO NA NGA, DOUBLE DEAD PA. Tapos tatanungin nyo ko.. KUNG BAKIT ANG BITTER KO? fckdoodlesheezpizza. 

MALAMANG! Sinong shunga ang magtatanong pa nyan kung alam mo galing sa 2yrs at pinalitan after a week? -.-

sorry, tao kasi ako, nagmahal at nasasaktan. KUNG MATURE KANG TUNAY, MARARAMDAMAN MO SITUATION KO AT MAY SYMPATHY KA. Tumatahimik ako, dahil ayoko magsimula ng drama at gulo.. dahil malamang ako lang naman ang apektado :(

Ipinagpasa Diyos ko na lang talaga ang lahat. Naging masaya ako at natanggap ko yung nangyari. MEMORIES talaga ang nagbibigwas sa utak ko.. MAHAL KO SIYA. Sana maramdaman ko na lang yung sincere bilang kakilala at kaibigan, dahil pakiramdam ko, PARANG JOKE LANG 2 years. parang nakipag-JACK EN POY. tapos iniwanan ako.. dahil TALO KO.

wala naman akong tutol sa relasyon nila.. At lalong wala akong balak agawin siya.. ang akin lang, MASAYA AKO PARA SA KANYA at MASAYA AKO PARA SA SARILI KO. mahal ako ni God at may matindi siyang dahilan kaya ito nangyari sakin. Araw araw pa rin syang kasama sa prayers ko. Sana maging mas matatag. Sana maging ok na ang lahat. GUSTO KO LANG MASETTLE.

Salamat sa mga nakakabasa nito. NaAppreciate ko na simula pa lang basahin mo ang unang salita..

Sorry, ito na lang talaga sandigan ko :(

SALAMAT SAYO AT GOD BLESS <3

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